G: Okay. So what about the Marauder? Frankly, when I heard it first, I thought they were about to discuss the Mercury Marauder, a deceased muscle car.
C: Really? I initially believed it might be some unusual niche Chinese car. Until I realised they hadn't bolted on other random names like Cherry-Entwistle-Glorious-Honky-Tonk to it.
G: Anyway, ever wondered why TG guys would crush an Alfa? What were they thinking?
C: Nevermind that, back to the Marauder. And the point being? It's the age old arguement concerning the relevance of features such as this on a car magazine programme surely? Does this really balance with what viewers want to hear about?
G: In America... Yes. You can never be sure about your safety. A squirrel may attack you while parking. HAARD! I mean: HAZARD!
C: Or downtown Johannesburg, possibly. Newport Pagnell? I doubt it very much... I guess it did have a massive bootspace though. From directly behind the driver's seat to roughly the rear door.
C: Don't start me on the M1. Smooth link mind.
G: No, no ,no... it's a 1M.
C: That's my point. Ridiculous that BMW have named M-Sport 1 series 1M. Simply because of existence of 1970s M1 supercar concept. Which nobody really recalls anyway. You have the M3, M5, M6 - then the 1M. How confusing is this?
G: Weren't they thinking ahead when giving names? I'd take the Evora S any time.
C: And then there's the British motorways to contend with.... What? Over a 1M?
G: Should have been the BMW M0.5+0.5
C: Or the BMW 3M. Named after some hardcore sellotape.
G: Oh yes, or the floppy disk.
C: I believe that BMWs should have names anyway. The M3 would be the BMW Cocksman
G: Like the Cockster?
C: No, that's the Z4. Incidentally I have a model of the Z4 that flashes its headlights and sings a little tune as it turns around. Only it sings in a woman's voice. A Chinese woman's voice. In Chinese. My dad bought it off some market stall for a tenner.
G: “Cheap little car, yes, come, buy this cheap little car...” Anyway, the thing about James May... He looks like my grandmother. He shouldn’t be tied to any seat tight, makes him look like a paralyzed OAP.
C: May's hair is frankly ridiculous looking now. It's neither one thing nor the other. Grow it, or get it cut James. It's just not good form. And then there's Hammond's insistence on wearing beads around his neck. At 40-something.
G: I'm sure those are his old teeth. Amy Williams' body and face should have been superimposed on James.
G: No, don't even mention that, no... no... I don't want to take a break now...
C: For hurtling down a mountain on a tea tray I mean.
G: My cup of tea for sure. [note: there's a Mrs. G, no worries]
C: Aerodynamics and all that non-sticky stuff...
G: Oh dear, here we go...
C: Clarkson was all over her like a rash though, wasn’t he?
G: Yes, like a leper.
C: Even my dad wouldn’t have embarrassed himself so readily. My dad only really likes women in sepia. He's old now.
G: Like Jane Fonda?
C: I didn’t know where to look. So I paused the still frame of her describing that thing she does with her shoulders. Whilst shaking MY HEAD and tutting at Clarkson's schoolboy antics.
G: Not "minis" there for sure. I have other thoughts in mind too, but I leave it to my Hungarian instead. Still, Amy rules over another lady, called Alice.
G: I was wondering why nobody laughed at the car he showed off. Maybe the audience was afraid he would bite their head off.
C: Do we have a female audience yet at #motorspurts? That you know of? Should I curb my sexism?
G: Over Alice Cooper...? Woooo...
C: He was very tame, wasn’t he? And an absolute rubbish driver. Not like Meatloaf, who, if I remember correctly, went like a bat out of hell around the circuit.
G: Alice is the godfather of Dave Mustaine of Megadeth. He would cause a mega death in traffic for sure.
C: He Slayer'd no one. And that Kia looked just like an Iron Maiden.
G: Driving an automatic? He was right there with Tom Jones being a shitty driver.
C: It's not unusual amongst rock stars... excepting Sir Jay of Kay of course.
G: Is he a rock star?
C: In my book he is.
G: I always though JK was a pimp. LOOK AT THE HAT!
C: Who, Rowling? You'd hang for that comment in this country. She's the unofficial Queen nowadays. Jay Kay's the CAT in the hat, and don’t you forget that!
G: So, for environmental reasons everybody will ride brooms?
C: Sorry, did someone mention Emma Watson going down(hill) in a figure-hugging catsuit? … Where's my mind today. CARS. Anyway, cars. It's so typical of conversation to veer off car-topics when discussing TG isn’t it?
G: Yes. The JAAAAAAAG. Frankly? The Eagle Speedster is like a messed up, stretched Cobra.
G: An ugly looking one without the chrome bumpers.
C: It looks for all its worth (£half a million) like one of those wooden panelled classic speedboat things from certain angles.
G: Boat? looks like an inflatable life-saving rubber boat. And for £500,000? You can't get half a Veyron for that. And they are not available either.
C: I actually found myself cringing for the first time ever with the ceremonial send off/50th birthday celebration at the end. The show is seriously risking becoming a pastiche of itself.
G: But anything can be forgiven when you Spit Fire over it.
C: Why do people have to keep on re-visualizing what cars from our glorious past would look like now? Like the Beetle, Mini, that shitty little Citroen thing that aped the 2CV.. Re-imagining - that’s what its called.
G: Oh no, the Citroen is awful. But the new Mustang is killing! Americans are better at this I think.
C: You're still banging on about American muscle bollocks? YAWN... I still think the man versus machines feature still works on TG.
G: Yes, but the Skeleton vs. Midget in MINI feature was over-dramatic.
C: I like drama. And the BBC does it best in this country, my friend.
G: Especially when it has Amy Williams in slow-mo.
C: Although there was a distinct lack of period clothing going on... Apart from May's hair. And what was with all the strategically placed attractive women in the studio audience this week? Appealing to a young male demographic again.
G: They should replace May and Clarkson... with us. I'm sure about that, just for the show looking younger.
C: You'd never get past security with your hair.
G: My hair is my lair!
C: I know. I reckon you have people living in it. Wasn't that Alesha Dixon stood behind Hammond when he was doing the news?
G: Is that someone I supposed to know?
C: Exactly. Some Strictly Come Dancing contestant. Famous over here for not a lot. She judges something or other now.
G: YAWN...
C: And I thought I saw Katy Perry in the audience at one point, too.
G: Katy Perry was here in Hungary, shooting a video... she had tits on fire.
C: Tits on fire!!!!!!
G: Don’t believe me?
C: Good call. Wasn't that the King of Leon's follow-up to Sex on Fire? I'd probably put Katy out if her breasts did catch alight mind. With a damp.
G: Stop right there, I warn you!!
C: Sorry. THE NEWS, YES!
G: What about the glory of British auto making? Was it lost in the Union Jack the soldiers stretched on the white cliff?
C: The Mini Coupe for example. That news/image was broke last week on the Internet. Don’t they assume viewers have access to modern media platforms?
G: They are just platform for telling scripted jokes.
C: Bit like this chat then?
G: Mmmmm.... Yes.
C: See, TG inspires something. Still, self-indulgence mainly. Like Clarkson's Jaguar thing. Love-in. Jezz-fest.
G: So how long till people can handle Jezza's old face and growing gut on their super-sized HDTVs?
G: Adds to the smoky voice.
C: Sometimes I even watch it on my iEtch-a-sketchPlayer.
G: In a few years they should all have pixelated faces unless it becomes a mature-only feature
C: The Stig? Is he the only reason a lot of folk still tune in? The question of who is he, now that Ben ‘whatshisbollock’ has been unmasked... The element of surprise.
G: It's a #gtts feature: Guess The Test Stig. Simon would love that.
C: He would. Simon's get overexcited very easily. Just think of @sf4d74. You know. Simon Simon.
G: So I suppose the Stig drives a SsangYong then.
C: No, some other reasonably priced car apparently. Simon says, "Look, here's ANOTHER picture of a random car from ANOTHER angle."
G: “Look, the right corner of a cupholder!”
C: Alright. Have you a message for your new fans over here in the UK?
G: Yes, don't hurt the blackbird and world peace!
C: I have one for my potential ‘Hungarish’ ones. Ladies, I'm available most week nights, I’m single, I'm tall, dark... sorry.
G: We use 'dark' on people who are mentally... dark.
C: You've figured me out already. So, this first of the new series of Top Gear. To summarise: self indulgent, predictable, stereotypical, chauvinistic, sexist and as funny and entertaining as ever.
G: And on that bombshell we should all now imitate Clarkson's voice... in the world... WHAT?
C: Keep it up lads. And not just when you’re standing in front of Amy.
G: She's positioned horizontally most of the time, when she puts out peak performance... No, I didn't say that.
C: No, but I have mentally imagined it, it’s too late. That and Katy Perry's firework display.
G: Okay: your thoughts - my words.
C: In terms of this thought, it should always be your thoughts, my writing.
G: I'm thinking: WHAT?
No comments:
Post a Comment