Rant on #topgear - 3rd edition

C: We're a double act now. Like Laurel and Hardy
G: ...or like Hardy and Laurel
C: Indeedy
G: So. Top Gear. Can you transcribe the main tune?
C: No. I'm tone deaf. Can you?
G: I think it is tarattaaaaatattarattatattarataaaaa, tararaaaarararaaraaraararaaaaaa!
C: It's a bit tiny anyroad. That's as in tin. NOT TINY. Although as intros goes, it's not the longest, is it? Brilliant. You've clearly missed your calling in life there.

G: Beethoven did it best with the 5th Symphony.
C: Was that the one he wrote for the film? The one with the mahhooosive dog in it? You know?
G: Yes, I think he scored that tune. Wonder if he got any royalty for that.
C: We could of course talk dog and musical scores all night, however there's the tiny, sorry, small matter of dissecting TG. And of course, TG had a dog a couple of series' ago didn’t they?
G: What dog? In the Toyota iQ? The Skoda Yeti? Or the Lambo Gallardo? TG? Not TJ? The Hooker.
C: Don't start me on the whole hooker thing again. Next you'll be banging on about caravans or something equally inappropriate. No. TG. The Top Gear hound.
G: I can't remember that.
C: They took him on a caravan holiday if my memory serves me correct.
G: Wasn't it just Clarkson making a really sad face?
C: No, that was Hammond doing his best Pug impression. Surely you remember the Top Gear dog? And you call yourself a motoring buff?
G: I remember the caravan story, don't remember the dog, though.

C: So. The McLaren. The new one.
G: Yes, named after not a fax machine but an actual F1 car.
C: There are of course less lenghthy place names in Wales. Even the Mitsubishi Lancer Evo FQ-GHTYE646460KHIHKDFKDKDD is shorter.
G: Ah yes. Llangkhafgkhakhrkhtrkhakkaaaadkfhkdah
C: Or edited, as you'd like it.
G: Why not just call it the "Killer"? Or something killer?
C: I guess the McLaren has a little more boot space to fit on all those letters and numbers though. Compared to the Mitsu.
G: Must have, there's one seat less in the car than the previous one.
C: Did you like it?
G: The name? If you're an F1 fan, you know what it means, for the rest of the people it's just a game of Scrabble.
C: No. The name. Of course the car. WE'RE A TOPICAL MOTORING THREAD/BLOG. It was a bit too orange for my tastes. It seems supercars only come in Lurid Orange or Pimps’ White these days.
G: Orange is the base color of McLaren, you anti-F1 fan.
C: I knew that. I chose to overlook it to appeal to our broader church. And did you see Clarkson attempting to disengage the traction control? More complicated than programming your average DVD recorder these days.

G: Tiff and Jason did it.
C: Don’t blaspheme in my company. Tiff and Jason. PRETENDERS TO THE THRONE IF EVER. I would like to land an axe in Needell's mouth. Just for a laugh and to kill that voice of his.
 And Plato? Do me a favour? Anorak.
G: Tiff sounds like the Nintendo kid every time he gets near a car that was designed by 10-year olds.
C: Tiff. I mean who the hell is called Tiff? Apart from an Essex born tartlet. Or a pervy uncle trying to sound ‘down with the kids’. What's it short for? Apart from total tosspot?
G: If you keep repeating his name, it's like a steam train leaving the station.
C: So the McOrange went around Dunsfold in the second fastest time ever. YAWN. It isn't a pretty sight now is it?
G: ...and the team celebrated the time by a cake of digits. How original. Why not building a fort of oranges and then organise a battle-revival?
C: Don't get me wrong. I follow McLaren in terms of F1. Because our brave British boys drive for them. But their production cars just don't cut it for me.
G: The first one was awesome I think.
C: The McLaren F1? With the one seat in the middle?
G: The MP14HK34KJHEKFJHGK4KJH34KJ5H looks like a leftover design of it.

C: Give me a Porsche Panamera any day.
G: No way.
C: I didn't actually want to say the Panamera did I?  The Porsche supercar. That Lewis Hamilton's dad aimed into a hedge. You know. The Porsche...
G: You wanted to say a 3-digit number.
C: Name, not a number. No one’s a prisoner here.
G: Might have been a Panamera.
C: No. Long german thing. Not Schumacher.....Carrera GT! That’s the kiddie!
G: Wasn't one owned by Jenson's dad that he forgot about? I wish I could forget about my Porsche one day.
C: I don't know. Cars aren’t my strong suite to be honest. Not sure what I'm doing here. Can we talk about women? Or music instead?
G: Yes, you're deaf. News!!
C: And most important of all... The Cholmondeley Pageant of Power. I went there once. And last year they held part of it along the docks in Liverpool.

G: Southern Tweeters tried to look it up as Chumley. Broke my heart.
C: That doesn’t surprise me.
G: Even I know what that is
C: Southerners sometimes find it difficult to breathe in and out and Google at the same time. HEAR THAT SOUND? THAT’S THE SOUND of us losing our Cockney followers. Nevermind eh. Cholmondley is in my neck of the woods. Great day out for all the family.
G: Smells like 'Escape to Isle of Man' to me.
C: I sound like an advert for the National Trust, don’t I?
G: No. You sound like our former prime minister.
C: Do I? Blair? HOW VERY DARE YOU?
G: No, the former Hungarian who almost caused a revolution.
C: I'd rather be mistaken for our current PM, Hugh Grant if I'm honest.
G: That prime minister I told you about did a remake of Hugh's dancing himself. He thought it was funny.

C: Bit off topic there Gabor. Anyroad, that new BMW M5 looks the part doesn’t it? Did you see how you could get Twitter and Facebook on the M5's instruction panel? What's the world coming to? Can't some people live without social networking? Excluding us of course.
G: Yes, how can you live in an M5 and not follow #motorspurts?
C: I know what you're talking about. I'm just trying to keep it ABOUT THE CARS!!!! You know. "Brrrmmmm, brrrrm". Yup, over to you in the sound effects department.
G: I'm waiting for the next gen. of BMWs.
C: Are you? Which will look exactly the same as the current generation?
G: When they finally get completely rid off the last remains of Bangle-design.
C: You not a fan of Christopher then? Christophers are usually good people in my book. Creative too. AND VERY HANDSOME.
G: I could build a nicer back end of LEGO bricks.
C: Just an observation. I loved his original 5 Series design. Brave and bold. Proper departure from a car that had lost its way.
G: So you're saying, you did the BMW before. That's why you don't have a job I suspect...
C: Sssssh. I have meaningful vocation. What else would you call #motorspurts?
G: Dennis? George? Kendra?
C: I like the idea of Jeremy's bird poo challenge. Not scraping the barrel at all.
G: That's a sh*t challenge.
C: BLIMEY. That's a bit strong, isn’t it?
G: Did he say a metre of feces?
C: Don’t you ever reach for your tape measure and see just how long that streak is? I thought a terradactyl was the culprit if I’m honest. Do you know what I'd do if a bird shat on my car?
G: Measure it.
C: No. Dump her of course. Sorry. An old English joke. Never funny. That's why I do what I do and you do what you do. Only not as good.
G: Is ‘birdy’ a cute term for girlfriends in the UK?
C: No. That's golfing parlance. A 'bird' is a ‘fitty’. Or ‘hottie’. Or ‘strumpet’. Or ‘bint’.

G: I can tell the Bruce Lee joke again
C: If you must. Does it have any motoring relevance? DOES ANY OF THIS HAVE ANY MOTORING RELEVANCE I ASK MYSELF?
G: How does Bruce Lee cool down a hot engine? With WHATTAAAAA!!
C: I see what you've done there. You rejigged it. Clever. You have to make your own fun over in Hungary don't you? Has the Rubik’s Cube arrived yet?
G: We invented the H-bomb, and the computer, so sod off. Right... Evoque.
C: Don't start me on the Evoque. Interior by Posh Spice. Do me a favour.
G: Was that her? I know only salt and pepper.
C: Yes. The real Victoria Beckham. Just before giving birth to Harper 7. I know this is probably true.
G: I wonder if one of the kids will fall for Plastic Man
C: Death Valley is a suburb of Birmingham you know?

G: I thought it was Mexico. NOOOO, MEXICO JOKE!! BADBADBAD!!
C: Yes. Don't mention Mexico. Although no one will be reading this.
G: Because they're all sleeping. NOOOOOOOOOOO.
C: They will be asleep. Technically. Because it is the middle of the night there. AWARD FOR MOST SURREAL TG MOMENT GOES TO J MAY. For singing along to Cher. ‘Cher’ Cher that is. Not Cher Lloyd. I don’t think he'd know who she was. Do you? Depends if you have any gypsy blood in you I guess?
G: And you, talking about Cher Lloyd. Is that any better?
C: She's cool. Unlike the 5-door Evoque. The 3-door is pretty sexy, mind. And what about the on-board cameras? Typical that a woman suggested that feature isn’t it? "Ohh, does my rear look big in this camera?"
G: She can't take a look though...

C: Why? David would be driving.
G: ...by the time she gets back to the seat she would notice that her big rear end has gone. David?
C: As in BECKHAM. One of my former work colleagues works on the lines at Halewood putting the Evoque together.
G: I'm putting LEGO together. They make more profit. See?
C: ALTHOUGH MY EX WORK COLLEAGUE WENT BY THE NAME OF DAVID TOO, STRANGELY. SUPERB CINEMATOGRAPHY ON TG AGAIN. In the desert.  Euurgh. Gaudy Las Vegas though. I’d love to scud that place. Preferably whilst Tom Jones is performing.
G: Yes, and James May was posing like he was one of the members of 'Body Count'
C: What's ‘Body Count’? I fear you're veering off topic again.
G: A metal band Ice-T was leading.
C: THIS IS A CAR SHOW. REMEMBER OUR CONTRACTUAL OBLIGATIONS!!
G: Yes, sorry, back to Cher Lloyd.
C: Alluring. In a car crash type of way. She's definitely no stranger to caravan living or having a dog tied up outside said abode.

G: Brrrr. Vettel.
C: Must we?
G: YES. The German. Or just replace his name with Cher. So, Cher. She's a nice guy, I guess.
C: Talked a bit, laughed a bit, told us nothing, acted out some well scripted 'funny' lines, then drove the Liana relatively fast. 1.40 dead. Actually he's OK. For a German. End. Vettel done. Back to your window, son.
G: What about Schumacher?
C: German. Pass. Did you notice how everyone on Twitter during TG on Sunday were saying how pleasantly surprised with the way SeBASTARD came across?
G: What did they expect in the first place?
C: The very same people who hate him when he's up against OUR BRAVE BRITISH BOYS.
Double standards. With me, it's straight down the line. You know what to expect and exactly. And obviously a bit of xenophobia is thrown in for good measure.
G: Fear of Germany taking over BBC2?
C: I wanted Mark Webber to walk across the studio and past him. Just to get to the canteen before him.
G: They did that in a commercial with Alonso and Hamilton. And guess what: Hakkinen won the sauna round.

C: I thought that would have gone to Mansell on points. An ex girlfriend of mine's dad shared a sauna with Nigel Mansell once in the Isle of Man. My tenuous claim to fame by association. He was impressed by his 'tache coverage.
G: So how does moustache or eyebrows react with such humidity?
C: Humidity or humility?
G: Both.
C: Neither in Mansell's case. Ooops. I'm confusing him with Martin Brundle. Does that man bore for Britain or what?
G: So, whenever there's a high level of humidity or sh*tty driving on a track, Nigell doesn't react.
C: Did you see him on the F1 show? Jeez.
G: Oh, the alarm again, shut up!!
C: Where's this alarm? In your head?
G: No, down in the street.
C: Or is it the nurse coming through with your final tablets of the day? Lights off on the ward soon?
G: Shouldn't Hamilton get an alarm so everyone would be pretty sure he was coming?
C: You're not kidding. He should wear bells around his neck.
G: Sheesh. BMW and Merc.

C: So, finally, second hand cars for £7 grand cobbled together TG feature time. Still, an eye opener though... Honda S2000, Mazda RX8, Scooby WRX, BMW Z4, Porsche Boxster, etc.
G: When they realised they have run out of new cars, they turned to the mystic world of Autotrader
C: I have just applied to Autotrader for a job. Don't mention it on here though, or it'll narrow down my chances.
G: Yes, and why weren't you accepted?
C: Personally, I'd go for the Nissan Pixar any time. *Nissan Pixel *Nissan whatever
G: *Nissan Piss Off
C: I was amused by the 'Let’s pretend we're manly whilst sitting side by side in this convertible. And spit. Or talk football'. Cliché CITY. Mercedes CL500 WANKERY versus BMW 850. Go Beemer! Nice chat on mobile phones. With cords. Wires, not trousers from C & A. What looks better? 850 anyday...
G: They weren't afraid in the Stratos, although it involved man-touching.
C: Allowable in the Stratos. WHAT A MACHINE! Can you get one of those for the price of a Nissan Knob?
G: Personally, I prefer the Merc.
C: Really?
G: Not for the luxury stuff. But an E-class Merc can do it any time - with a V12.
C: Funny. Looking at your profile picture you strike me as under 30, too. I also wasn’t aware you played golf.
G: So you're in midlife crisis now, that 's why you fall for the fast-looking Beemer.
C: Always been a fan of the 850.
G: Me, the 750.
C: I particularly love it in the T5 form. With a capacious rear space.

G: Terminator 5? Or Transformers 5? A BMW transformer: Have to be called Michael Bay.
C: What about the regurgitated grot test on cars. Bit passe. Excess body fluids and all that.
G: Can't remember a bird sh*tting on the cars.
C: All in all I don't think it held a candle to the previous week's TG. Which was one of the best for a long time as we concurred.
G: Yes. The Monaco bit, especially.
C: So to summarise...
G: Clarkson can measure feces.
C: May can hold a Cher tune.
G: Is that why TG magazine is looking for a Creative Leader?
C: Apparently so. Are you putting yourself forward for the gig?
G: Of course. Centerfold car with body panels off.
C: ...and Vettel isn’t quite the massive cock everyone thought he would be. Hammond went missing in action, mind. Did he phone in sick? Or did his mum write a letter saying he must be excused this week on grounds of his chesty cough.
G: Can't May or Hammond just lead the show from time to time?
C: NO!!! TG isn't TG without Clarkson. And that dog. TG. His name is synominous with Top Gear. And Piers Morgan-baiting.
G: Yes, but does he have to say HELLOOOOO, GOOD EVENING every time? And his face is a Morgan, too.
C: AND ON THAT BOMBSHELL... Some say this was not our finest #motorspurts hour, whilst some say we can get better. All we know is that that was #motorspurts TG for this week.
G: The Stig has to pop in eventually. Oh, those laughs we could have...
C: Are we building this up the a dramatic end? Should we wrap it up with a spot of controversy?
G: Yes.
C: ...let me see then... Is there anyone else left for me to offend? That Cher Lloyd. Bit of a gypsy, isn't she?

G: Margaret Thatcher?
C: How very dare you. I'm Hugh Grant, remember? Blue blood.
G: Is that like reformed Coke?
C: Mentioning coke in this here piece, NOW THAT’S CONTROVERSY FOR YOU. You best hurry this up, I’m getting tired now. And when this happens I usually tell people that I love them.
G: Is 'Bye'  a proper ending?
C: No. But ‘Good night’ is
G: Okay, GET LOST, EVERYONE!
C: That's good night from him, and good night from me until next time on #motorspurts, when we will be tackling the subject of the role cars play in prostitution.
G: No, not a BMW X6 again.

Rant on #topgear, 2nd edition

For another round of MSN mayhem, Chris and Gábor discussed BBC Top Gear full of hideous references, old men in small cars and a pricey car that makes no sense.

G: Okay, Aston Martin Voyage or Virage, whatever that was. Lotus Lada is the Aston team in F1, did you know that?
C: No, but thanks to the power of the Internet and social networking, I do now. And how much richer my life is on receipt of this news.
G: For decades, Lada was making the same cars and Aston Martin is down that road too, except they don't change their engines either. They are good looking, but every one of them is déja vu on wheels.
C: Wow look, a new Aston that’s slightly slower than another Aston, but still slightly faster than another Aston, and it’s competitively priced between the slower and faster Astons. £150k in the middle. I’m kinda thinking if you’ve got £150k for an Aston, then you should really be able to spunk a further £30k for a faster one. What did the Aston feature tell people like me about Astons? My former boss at the chicken farm had two rabbits he called 'Aston' and 'Martin'. They cost roughly £20 pound for both. And don’t you think it’s criminal that a TG presenter doesn’t salivate over the Nürburgring? The place God created on the 7th day - the Sunday afternoon, after carefully crafting the Rachel Bilson blueprint.
G: No, not on the 7th day, I think. It was in a night shift.
C: But James May is still causing me sleepless nights. She looks like a Dick Emery character or Monty Pythons’ interpretation of a woMAN. Especially in that floral blouse.
G: Why do they have to dress up as Colombian drug dealers just pulling slippers to get a snippet of dew in the morning?
C: Is that an old Hungarian saying?
G: About 37 seconds old.
C: Anyway, the news: The Growler... hahahahaha... LOL... LMFAO... etc.
G: I've Googled ‘growler’ too, y'know what I found? First I didn’t find sh*t, THEN I found sh*t.
C: That’s not what I found. Not entirely anyway. You must have mispelt it. So I did a spot of Googling too, all I found was a picture of a venus flytrap.
G: Y’know the song ‘Venus’? “She's got it, yeah baby she's got it...”

 C: I love the fact we've now got a Bananarama track spinning around in our heads. It doesn’t matter what else we write... All I can hear is Banana-friggin-rama. Which in this country, the track was used for lady shaving devices I think. Although concentrating on laydeez legs, not their gggrrrrrr... ANYWAYS: Hammond's guppy face for the Pugs....
G: Oh, yes, JC imitating a Morgan was the most hilarious thing he's ever done in the show so far.
C: No way. Hammy's Pug impressions were awesome. Do you refer to them as Pugs over there? Or is that just a way to describe a small, dangerous, ferociously mouthed dog? Bugger. We're back to the Growler it seems. Get me off the subject!
G: What about 'positive camber'?
C: The new phrase of the week. Doubtless it was trending on Twitter by the end of Sunday.
G: I'd get Clarkson into a quite negative cHamber for that. But I think he was indeed positive about himself. Albeit the negative reactions. So there goes a plus point for him for that. Minus the clothing.
C: ...sorry, just looking at some Goodwood pics. Did I mention it were Goodwood last weekend? No? NOR DID TOP GEAR! THE UK'S PRIME TIME CAR PROGRAMME FAILED US.
G: Yes, tell us about Goodwood... Oh sorry, you weren't there either.
C: No, but I know a girl who was. Armed with a cracking set of... photos.
G: You mean she was a well equipped one.
C: A girl who's into cars. Think of that equation for a moment. Girl + Cars = impromptu toilet break.
G: Cars + Girl = Carl
C: So, the Hot Hatch face-off...
G: Yes. "My name is Lucca..."
C: Firstly, your views on the Shitroen DS3 RACING? I think it was designed by a 17 year old with a big box of brightly coloured crayons. Or a computer games nerd who actually designed it straight for use on PlayStation's Grand Tursimo.
G: Exactly! I was looking where you could hook up your USB stick to upload engine noises.
C: Speaking of horrific colours, I couldn’t see beyond the Clio Cup's mintiness. It was more minty than a double-decker KendaIl mint cake!
G: I think it was actually good looking. I mean - out of the three, I would choose that one.
C: Really? I'd opt for the bus. I mean the Fiat 500 Abarth rag-top just encourages homosexuality in my book, looking like that. From every angle.
G: If the DS was a training shoe, then his car was a cheesy slipper. Top-down roof... Why would you want that on a car that IS a size of a roof?
C: Easy access from behind. BRRR *shivers*: Anyway. Terrible shirts - great feature though. Possibly their best challenge in a while. A few series any road.
G: What was the point of buying a CD? How was it car-related by any means? Was it a test whether you had a stereo in the car?
C: Did someone buy a CD? I must have been dreaming of Goodwood... Still, all that nonsense led up to the boys thrashing the wotnots out of the Monaco GP circuit. It seems a bit wrong that TG presenters aren't avid F1 fans, I think. Don’t you think TG presenters should be more into/knowledagable of their motorsport? ...or #motorspurts even? It's a basic requirement really, isn’t it? On the TG application form...
G: They just sold their soul for a cheap joke.
C: Shameful. Treason-worthy. Hanging in the tower of London offence. "Dear Points of View, why aren’t BBC Top Gear presenters more interested in F1? EXPLAIN!

G: Anyway, there was a Prost Peugeot (Citroen), a Ferrari (Fiat Abarth 500) and a Lotus Lada (Renault) lapping Monaco circuit. I was surprised Briatore didn't order May to drive into the guardrail, just for the advantage and the laugh.
C: Briartore looked dead. Dead bored.
G: Bernie looked dead. Maybe that's why JC was that fast to get around the track before Ecclestone dies in the car.
C: A nippy little ambulance, you're right. If one of his daughter's accidentally died, I’d definitely be at the front of the qeue for mouth to mouth. Has Briatore got a daughter? I guess if so, she's pretty lard-arsed.
G: I was surprised that Barrichello didn't get angry with Clarkson as much as to throw a steering wheel at him or Webber not showing him the best racing line through the air.
C: Webber's dull as ditchwater. Being an Australian you’d expect him to suddenly wrestle a crocodile or something, not to look dull. And he needs a decent meal inside him. Put a bit of flesh on those bones.
G: Vettel likes Kylie Minogue, so I guess he kinda likes Webber too.
C: I like where you're taking that line of thought. So wrong, it makes it right again. Full circle.
G: Ross Noble, funny man.
C: Do you understand what he's saying? And no, he's not the land speed record Noble before you ask. Nor the Noble mentalist from Noble supercars either for that matter.
G: But he's a noble man for sure.
C: I thought he might be the Cheryl Cole of the comedy circuit in your book.
G: Just imagine what we would say to JC if we were invited as guests. But what would we be invited for?
C: We'd be invited because we dissect the show each week in a mildly amusing manner. And I would look amazing on television. You'd probably look a bit chubby, though.
G: No, I would look amazing, but I am the married one, so...
C: ...the girls in the audience would all want my number. As would James May, just because he looks like a girl. And Hammond would be my new best mate.
G: Although you had to keep looking down not to step on him accidentally.
C: I NEED AN AUDIENCE!!
G: One more thing on Monaco. I wanted to say that JC and May were blown away by the track while banging on the Nürburgring. There's a perfect Aston Martin fitted for, morever, probably developed in the streets of Monaco. Want to guess?
C: The middle ranging one from the top of the show?
G: No, you fool - the Cygnet! A street car from a ‘racetrack’ and it's an Aston Martin for the Riviera. So there you go, James - your ideal Aston Martin is the Cygnet.

C: Of course - how remisce of me to overlook the Cygnet. Well said my friend. You can play James on our next game of Pretend Top Gear.
C: I couldn't do it. I'd get lost on the way there.
C: And you'd need a haircut.
G: No, I need hair more... grey.
C: ...and on that bombshell...
G: Goodnight, people of Britannia!
C: Goodnight to my new followers in Hungarish, too! I hope you understand me. My English friends haven’t got a clue.
G: I do?
C: You don’t count.
G: I was hoping, though.
C: You're my partner. Non-sexual.
G: No, leave that... that won't end up right.
C: And on that OTHER bombshell... Goodnight and God bless!
G: Let's roll, British GP!

Rant on #topgear, first edition

Chris and I sat down a bit over MSN (I was definitely sitting, what he was doing... I don’t want to know) and discussed the last episode of Top Gear, featuring a useless military vehicle, an ugly Jag knock-off, James’ hair and of course, the glorious Amy Williams. This is what happened:

G: Okay. So what about the Marauder? Frankly, when I heard it first, I thought they were about to discuss the Mercury Marauder, a deceased muscle car.
C: Really? I initially believed it might be some unusual niche Chinese car. Until I realised they hadn't bolted on other random names like Cherry-Entwistle-Glorious-Honky-Tonk to it.
G: Anyway, ever wondered why TG guys would crush an Alfa? What were they thinking?
C: Nevermind that, back to the Marauder. And the point being? It's the age old arguement concerning the relevance of features such as this on a car magazine programme surely? Does this really balance with what viewers want to hear about?
G: In America... Yes. You can never be sure about your safety. A squirrel may attack you while parking. HAARD! I mean: HAZARD!
C: Or downtown Johannesburg, possibly. Newport Pagnell? I doubt it very much... I guess it did have a massive bootspace though. From directly behind the driver's seat to roughly the rear door.

G: Bigger than the BMW 1M’s.
C: Don't start me on the M1. Smooth link mind.
G: No, no ,no... it's a 1M.
C: That's my point. Ridiculous that BMW have named M-Sport 1 series 1M. Simply because of existence of 1970s M1 supercar concept. Which nobody really recalls anyway. You have the M3, M5, M6 - then the 1M. How confusing is this?
G: Weren't they thinking ahead when giving names? I'd take the Evora S any time.
C: And then there's the British motorways to contend with.... What? Over a 1M?
G: Should have been the BMW M0.5+0.5
C: Or the BMW 3M. Named after some hardcore sellotape.
G: Oh yes, or the floppy disk.
C: I believe that BMWs should have names anyway. The M3 would be the BMW Cocksman
G: Like the Cockster?
C: No, that's the Z4. Incidentally I have a model of the Z4 that flashes its headlights and sings a little tune as it turns around. Only it sings in a woman's voice. A Chinese woman's voice. In Chinese. My dad bought it off some market stall for a tenner.
G: “Cheap little car, yes, come, buy this cheap little car...” Anyway, the thing about James May... He looks like my grandmother. He shouldn’t be tied to any seat tight, makes him look like a paralyzed OAP.
C: May's hair is frankly ridiculous looking now. It's neither one thing nor the other. Grow it, or get it cut James. It's just not good form. And then there's Hammond's insistence on wearing beads around his neck. At 40-something.
G: I'm sure those are his old teeth. Amy Williams' body and face should have been superimposed on James.

C: That all-in-one bodysuit was something else though wasn’t it? She wouldn’t require any lubrication at all would she?
G: No, don't even mention that, no... no... I don't want to take a break now...
C: For hurtling down a mountain on a tea tray I mean.
G: My cup of tea for sure. [note: there's a Mrs. G, no worries]
C: Aerodynamics and all that non-sticky stuff...
G: Oh dear, here we go...
C: Clarkson was all over her like a rash though, wasn’t he?
G: Yes, like a leper.
C: Even my dad wouldn’t have embarrassed himself so readily. My dad only really likes women in sepia. He's old now.
G: Like Jane Fonda?
C: I didn’t know where to look. So I paused the still frame of her describing that thing she does with her shoulders. Whilst shaking MY HEAD and tutting at Clarkson's schoolboy antics.
G: Not "minis" there for sure. I have other thoughts in mind too, but I leave it to my Hungarian instead. Still, Amy rules over another lady, called Alice.

C: Smooth transition again my friend. Just like Amy down a gradient. Yes, special agent Dale Cooper. Sorry, wrong show. Still thinking Twin Peaks. Alpine variety.
G: I was wondering why nobody laughed at the car he showed off. Maybe the audience was afraid he would bite their head off.
C: Do we have a female audience yet at #motorspurts? That you know of? Should I curb my sexism?
G: Over Alice Cooper...? Woooo...
C: He was very tame, wasn’t he? And an absolute rubbish driver. Not like Meatloaf, who, if I remember correctly, went like a bat out of hell around the circuit.
G: Alice is the godfather of Dave Mustaine of Megadeth. He would cause a mega death in traffic for sure.
C: He Slayer'd no one. And that Kia looked just like an Iron Maiden.
G: Driving an automatic? He was right there with Tom Jones being a shitty driver.
C: It's not unusual amongst rock stars... excepting Sir Jay of Kay of course.
G: Is he a rock star?
C: In my book he is.
G: I always though JK was a pimp. LOOK AT THE HAT!
C: Who, Rowling? You'd hang for that comment in this country. She's the unofficial Queen nowadays. Jay Kay's the CAT in the hat, and don’t you forget that!
G: So, for environmental reasons everybody will ride brooms?
C: Sorry, did someone mention Emma Watson going down(hill) in a figure-hugging catsuit? … Where's my mind today. CARS. Anyway, cars. It's so typical of conversation to veer off car-topics when discussing TG isn’t it?
G: Yes. The JAAAAAAAG. Frankly? The Eagle Speedster is like a messed up, stretched Cobra.

C: My thoughts entirely.
G: An ugly looking one without the chrome bumpers.
C: It looks for all its worth (£half a million) like one of those wooden panelled classic speedboat things from certain angles.
G: Boat? looks like an inflatable life-saving rubber boat. And for £500,000? You can't get half a Veyron for that. And they are not available either.
C: I actually found myself cringing for the first time ever with the ceremonial send off/50th birthday celebration at the end. The show is seriously risking becoming a pastiche of itself.
G: But anything can be forgiven when you Spit Fire over it.
C: Why do people have to keep on re-visualizing what cars from our glorious past would look like now? Like the Beetle, Mini, that shitty little Citroen thing that aped the 2CV.. Re-imagining - that’s what its called.
G: Oh no, the Citroen is awful. But the new Mustang is killing! Americans are better at this I think.
C: You're still banging on about American muscle bollocks? YAWN... I still think the man versus machines feature still works on TG.
G: Yes, but the Skeleton vs. Midget in MINI feature was over-dramatic.
C: I like drama. And the BBC does it best in this country, my friend.
G: Especially when it has Amy Williams in slow-mo.
C: Although there was a distinct lack of period clothing going on... Apart from May's hair. And what was with all the strategically placed attractive women in the studio audience this week? Appealing to a young male demographic again.
G: They should replace May and Clarkson... with us. I'm sure about that, just for the show looking younger.
C: You'd never get past security with your hair.
G: My hair is my lair!
C: I know. I reckon you have people living in it. Wasn't that Alesha Dixon stood behind Hammond when he was doing the news?
G: Is that someone I supposed to know?
C: Exactly. Some Strictly Come Dancing contestant. Famous over here for not a lot. She judges something or other now.
G: YAWN...
C: And I thought I saw Katy Perry in the audience at one point, too.
G: Katy Perry was here in Hungary, shooting a video... she had tits on fire.
C: Tits on fire!!!!!!
G: Don’t believe me?

C: Good call. Wasn't that the King of Leon's follow-up to Sex on Fire? I'd probably put Katy out if her breasts did catch alight mind. With a damp.
G: Stop right there, I warn you!!
C: Sorry. THE NEWS, YES!
G: What about the glory of British auto making? Was it lost in the Union Jack the soldiers stretched on the white cliff?
C: The Mini Coupe for example. That news/image was broke last week on the Internet. Don’t they assume viewers have access to modern media platforms?
G: They are just platform for telling scripted jokes.
C: Bit like this chat then?
G: Mmmmm.... Yes.
C: See, TG inspires something. Still, self-indulgence mainly. Like Clarkson's Jaguar thing. Love-in. Jezz-fest.
G: So how long till people can handle Jezza's old face and growing gut on their super-sized HDTVs?

C: That’s the reason I still view it on my transistor radio.
G: Adds to the smoky voice.
C: Sometimes I even watch it on my iEtch-a-sketchPlayer.
G: In a few years they should all have pixelated faces unless it becomes a mature-only feature
C: The Stig? Is he the only reason a lot of folk still tune in? The question of who is he, now that Ben ‘whatshisbollock’ has been unmasked... The element of surprise.
G: It's a #gtts feature: Guess The Test Stig. Simon would love that.
C: He would. Simon's get overexcited very easily. Just think of @sf4d74. You know. Simon Simon.
G: So I suppose the Stig drives a SsangYong then.
C: No, some other reasonably priced car apparently. Simon says, "Look, here's ANOTHER picture of a random car from ANOTHER angle."
G: “Look, the right corner of a cupholder!”
C: Alright. Have you a message for your new fans over here in the UK?
G: Yes, don't hurt the blackbird and world peace!
C: I have one for my potential ‘Hungarish’ ones. Ladies, I'm available most week nights, I’m single, I'm tall, dark... sorry.
G: We use 'dark' on people who are mentally... dark.
C: You've figured me out already. So, this first of the new series of Top Gear. To summarise: self indulgent, predictable, stereotypical, chauvinistic, sexist and as funny and entertaining as ever.
G: And on that bombshell we should all now imitate Clarkson's voice... in the world... WHAT?
C: Keep it up lads. And not just when you’re standing in front of Amy.
G: She's positioned horizontally most of the time, when she puts out peak performance... No, I didn't say that.
C: No, but I have mentally imagined it, it’s too late. That and Katy Perry's firework display.
G: Okay: your thoughts - my words.
C: In terms of this thought, it should always be your thoughts, my writing.
G: I'm thinking: WHAT?

Rant on #F1 #Valencia

The FIA European GP In @GeeHalen’s Words
Okay, before I start this, my first blog entry for MotorSpurts, let me just say: "HI, MUM, I'M ON THE INTERNET!" That said, I must now report on the Valencia Grand Prix, that was less interesting than the previous exclaim.

I would love to give you dramatic details, white-knuckle rides, but sadly, I cannot decide whether I should report on my dogs' sleep instead, or the adventure I had with a small bird my wife brought home the day before yesterday, which refused to eat most of the time and ended up being dead by this afternoon as I took it down under a bush this morning, in the hope its mother may find it.

After such shocking details, something more horrific is to come.
To remain factual, I am obliged to report that a man named Vettel won the race. We happy, Vincent? Alright, take a cross, move on.

First of all can someone please define for me what the European Grand Prix stands for? I know there have been races like the Pacific Grand Prix and so on, but why is it good apart from a country advertising itself and bringing money into F1, or am I just being too naive here?

For example, Italy loves F1. Or Ferrari, so to speak, and they used to have two Grand Prix events during the same year, with San Marino being a scapegoat for that (mind that: I would love to see Ferraris being pushed down San Marino's hill sometime, just for the laugh). If Italy wasn't the "I" in PIGS, I'm sure they would have four F1 races by now. One Italian, one San Marino, one European and one Vatican Grand Prix. I'd love that latter one. Seriously. If Vallelunga wouldn't be up for the challenge, then some burnouts could still be done under the Pope's window.

Okay, so a "European" GP doesn't make sense, we know it by now, but what about a race in Valencia? Yes, Alonso is a two-times champion, so the same reasons as above, but why the STREETS of Valencia when the town already has a racetrack?
For the beautiful backdrops? They are all covered by guardrails and it's a commercial harbour, anyway. For the money? They are the "S" in PIGS, so maybe not. For the exciting races? Zzzzzzzz. I know! It's the sea! The only problem is that there are thousands of miles of Mediterranean coast still there, and Monaco still beats it with that one too, so that’s another fail right there. Valencia is not the Long Beach of Monaco, right? (WTF?!). To put it simply, streets and Tilke don't mix. Nor shaken, nor stirred, not even in Bucharest, Romania.

Someone said about the Hungaroring circuit (must be an important person if I remember this) that it is like Monaco, just without the houses. To be frank, the only cool thing about the Monaco circuit is the houses, otherwise it would be a rubbish track for F1, just as the Hungaroring (you read this from a Hungarian, remember). So the Valencia circtuit is a Tilke track with all the mentioned "houses" hidden behind walls.

A truly epic fail.

So how was the race? édsouhböe59tÍŰÚÜS

Sorry. sléguűwőö3

Sorry, I fell asleep again.

So Vettel won, Pirellis were wearing out, Schumacher almost ignited WWIII bumping the Russian Petrov from behind. A Ferrari and a Lotus almost crashed into each other, too (too bad it didn't happen, they would have been the new Vanwall) and all cars made it to the end, that is almost unprecedented in the history of F1.

The problem is, that cheaty DRS just didn't work here, not even for Webber to entertain us with a back flip. The Turkish GP put the standard for overtaking excitement so high, that every single race will be measured by it for quite a while.

What we saw was a Schumacher race from the early noughts. Even Lewis Hamilton admitted that, following the same train of thought, concluding that Vettel will be a World champion again, sooner or later, why should he himself be bothered anymore this year, only to state the opposite this morning (Lewis, Twitter is faster than the print shop. Can you confirm you UNDERSTOOD this message...?)

To be frank (Hi, I'm Frank Vajda), I don't give a penny on what's happening in F1 now. And the reason for this is the DRS and the new tyres. Do I want to watch a several hundred bucks-worth piece of carbon fibre and a set of rubber entertain me?

FIA, just say this is F1 for this year, with all honesty, and I will bow down with all respect.  Until that, bring on WEC, so at least there would be a real reason to tweet during races other than getting bored to death by all the artificial amendments you try to squeeze into F1.



The FIA European GP In @Bateman1972’s Words
Well said Frank. I couldn’t have put it better myself. Well, I could. Only it would have taken far too long, and I still have to write about the new series of Top Gear and other such exciting, unpredictable motoring-related pap before our editorial deadline.

So what was my take on this non-event you ask? Read on....

So that was the race that wasn't then. Or as it was billed in the Radio Times, The Formula One European Grand Prix from Valencia. The single most, joylessly futile waste of my time and electricity that I have ever had the rank misfortune to find myself sitting through. Yes. Thankfully I was – and remained – seated throughout the televisual ordeal, never once inching myself closer to the edge of my seat. I only wish I could have mustered the energy to reach for the off button, but by that stage any last vestiges of will power had fled my boredom-ravaged body.

So you're probably asking – and for those of you who missed it, the DVD will make an ideal Christmas present for those you hate most in your life – what made the European GP such 'must watch' TV for a Sunday afternoon? That somewhere in the region of 5m viewers believed would be a good way to avoid Britain's intolerably hot one day summer. The answer of course is lost forever, to anyone who witnessed the spectacle. And therein, missed the glorious weather here in the UK to sit indoors, slumped over a laptop, eyes narrowing to pass 'live', dare I say it, 'real time' subversive comment and ill-informed judgement on a race that even normally doesn't exactly set the Formula One world on fire. Having said that, a spot of deliberate arsonery (is there any other type?) might have provided something exciting to discuss.

I guess it was inevitable, that given the exhilarating nature – albeit by accident rather than design – of the last F1 outing at Canada a fortnight since, that the next episode in the FIA's primary race calendar would be a damp squib by comparison. And so it was, if you excuse the fishy pun. Although that's something that the BBC didn’t apologize for as its commentary team ensured that viewers knew that the buildings housing the manufacturer's pit lane garages were once fish processing factories. Still, when the race itself threw up as many interesting flash-points you could understand Humphries and co wanting to up the ante. Or head to the nearby beach and top up their tans.

As you are only too well aware, the Valencia circuit – make the most of it, we doubt we'll be seeing it again anytime soon as an F1 venue – is a street circuit, like Monaco. Only NOTHING like Monaco. Admittedly, there were a few super yachts moored up, but other than that the backdrop was one of heavy industry. Cranes and other gargantuan lifting devices. And then there was a bit of a beach. And a drawbridge. The latter forming part of the circuit. If Monte Carlo brings Hollywood to Formula 1, then Valencia surely brings Holywell to the party. Which to the uninitiated is a place in North Wales that's as far removed from Los Angeles as it's possible to be. Geographically, culturally, diagnostically, ruefully....Although it did give rise to ITV children's presenter, Gaz Top. Anyway, I digress. Something which I seemed to do for the entirity of the European Grand Prix just to help time pass that much quicker. At one stage I remember challenging someone to an impromptu game of I-Spy, only they got SeBASTARD Vettel in a flash. Which none of the drivers were capable of.

For us here at MotorSpurts however, it was meant to offer the start of a bright and brave new dawn of Tweet-casting. Not sure if that's an expression we can coin as yet, but we like it, so it stays. You'll soon discover that about the team here at MotorSpurts. What we say, pretty much goes. If you don't like it, try reading another blog that's more to your tastes. Ones that don't express opinion or the darker side of humour. Unlike the rest of motor racing society, we ain't gonna kiss Bernie's sweetcheeks. His daughter's now, that's a different story.

So, to the 2011 European GP itself, and the veritable smorgasbord of race highlights. After careful, post-GP scrutiny, we found the following nuggets to remind ourselves just why Formula One can be so dull.


Michael Schumacher's front spoiler/splitter released itself from the front of his car after some sort of collision with Petrov that I actually failed to see as I was texting/tweeting at the time of the supposed 'action'. Yet have been reliably informed this 'event' took place sometime during the course of the European GP. And that the Russian driver didn’t seem particularly bothered by the incident. Schumacher pitted and had a new nose cone fitted, and off he toddled. Yawn.

Vettel recreating THAT famous Meg Ryan scene as he realised he'd done enough to win the race. I.e, drive 57 laps without being overtaken or break sweat. Yawn. (Unfurling of my simian-like arms aloft as I stretched)

The pit lane babes forming a stairway to heaven, or rather, to the podium for the lucky winners. Hey, wake up dude! What’s happening here?! Did someone say pit lane babes??!!

Almost losing my BBC iPlayer connection three times during the course of the race. In the end I had to unplug my laptop to make both the pictures and sound go away. Cue any sort of physical movement/interfacing betwixt myself and the race pictures being beamed live to my laptop.

The continual prospect of the F1 safety car being deployed. Only it remained just a prospect, as the sky stubbornly stayed cloudless throughout the ordeal, sorry, race. Yawn.

As far as I recall Vettel only made the one pit stop. And by that stage he was so far ahead of the field he had time to go for a slash, leaf through some top shelf German porn mags AND purchase a couple of CDs he'd been promising himself for a while. I think David Hasslehoff's greatest hits package was one of them. Yawn, belch. Oops. Sorry.

He now leads the Driver's Championship by a whopping 77 points and won't be beaten. Just like Max Mosely promised his long-suffering wife recently.

Is that it? Can I leave the room now Frank? I can’t feel my legs anymore. Frank? Be sure to tune in next time as we turn to the British Grand Prix at Silverstone to salvage our badly damaged love affair with F1........

#motorspurts