G: As a British citizen, how would you comment on McLaren and Button at the British GP. Can't get any more English than that.
C: Shit -are you recording??
G: Muhhahaaaw....
C: As an ‘Engerlish' I would say I was devastated at what happened. Positively beside myself. I washed my hair at least twice with my special anti-dandruff shampoo in protest "I'm going to wash that result right outta my hair!" Sung in a South Pacific styly.
G: Why? There was no tyre-smoke getting into it... EXACTLY!
C: What the dibbins were McLarens' mechs playing at? Clearly F1 Top Trumps in the back room instead of concentrating their efforts on replacing the wheel locking nuts.
G: You know that game with babies where you have to fit the right shaped object to the right hole. That was the one. He F-ed up.
C: YOU PUT BABIES IN HOLES IN HUNGARY???? I thought you were a civilised people??
G: No, babies put objects into holes; which precedes adults putting objects into holes.
C: Ewww. that's sick. Can we return to F1 please I feel a bit ill...
Jelly Babies will never taste the same again. If Bernie Ecclestone was immortilised as a Jelly Baby, which part of him would you chomp first?
G: ...Or any song. "Oh, my baaaaby, my sweet babyyyy" Is there any part that would be edible? Not the brain, I guess
C: I'd like to bite Eddie Jordan's head clean off, whether he was constructed from jellied shit or not.
G: I'm glad I don't have to watch him. GREAT NEWS!
C: I guess you've heard all about the BBC selling out their F1 coverage to Murdoch??
G. Yes. So F1 drivers are not allowed to tweet.
C: I wonder how The Gorillaz will present the new look F1 coverage in 2012?
G. Will their lavatory doors be hacked to get info? The Gorillaz? Why not the Powerpuff Girls for that matter?
C: Sorry, just nibbling on a Sky-endorsed pizza there, what did you say?.....
G: I said I dumped into your pizza.
C. Of course the one benefit of watching F1 on Sky is that they have more screen-friendly faces than the Beeb if you catch my blatant sexist drift.
G: ...but you'll have commercials, too, right?
C: Yes. But it's not like they'll cut into the action is it?
G: When you watch NASCAR, all crashes happen during a commercial break, so half of the race consist of recaps.
C: Once the first corner is out of the way, we can pretty much watch an hour or so of female hygiene adverts and not miss any of the action. NASCAR? Have you got a dual passport you neglected to mention?
G: Why not life insurance? would be more fun. There's a thing called Internet, you see.
C: Is your middle name 'butch' or something??. Jeez man, NASCAR...
G: No, it's "Devlin".
C: Do you watch it whilst nursing a bottle of lager. Do you have a Michelobon at the same time???
G: Listen: you CAN usually watch a NASCAR race AND having beer.
C: Here we go....NASCAR this, NASCAR that.... Mmmmm...pizza..... the sweet smell of pizza.......
G: You can't watch an F1 race without having a laptop open to find out WTF is happening on the track.
C: We now go to a commercial break folks whilst Gabor bores us to death explaining the appeal of NASCAR to the uninitiated/dead.
G: Okay, tell me about the McLaren pit boys again during that time AND Schumacher.
C: But it's essentially a line of cars going round and round a track, while being cheered on by a bunch of serial killers who bury their parents under their verandas? NASCAR. DO ME A FAVOUR. I'd sooner watch BTCC.
G: I have to ask Max Mosley about politically correct statements in motorsports.
C: Didn't Schueey lose his nose again at Silverstone??
G: Yes and he was punished for that.
C: He's following the Daniella Westbrook school of thought it appears.
G: It was a mistake to put Nigel in charge of race control. Can he see anything at all of his eyebrows?
C: He's had his nose rebuilt more times than Tara Palmer Tompkinson.
G: I wanted to say Michael Jackson.
C: That would have been in bad taste.
G: I think he really did lose his nose several times.
C: Next you'll be suggesting that Alonso was higher than Amy Winehouse who incidentally won the English GP, didn’t he?
G: No, but he could challenge Nigel Mansell to an eyebrow-off game.
C: You're not kidding. They could carpet an entire room between them with their eyebrows. Alonso must shave his forehead to stop his eyebrows morphing into his fringe.
G: And Hamilton... wait for it: didn't bump anyone. How does he do that? I guess there's no answer for that.
C: He didn't you're right. He's been told off for his crash for cash exploits, hasn’t he? McLaren have had a shedload of insurance claims arriving on their doormat recently.
G: He's been denied hooning, now crashes. Next time he'll be ordered to go fast. What is F1 coming to?
C: The young man in the long silver car came from nowhere and ran right into the back of me
G: Only problem, there's no such category in F1 as "woman driver".
C: The road was clear one minute, then he was in the cockpit with me. I can read the claim statements now.
G: "I didn't see the sign saying 'one way street'"!!!
C: Schumacher seems to have taken Hamilton's baton in the nudging stakes.
G: He's exactly like the "nudge-nudge" bloke from Monty Python. Irritating and out of place.
C: What else happened at Silverstone, it's a distant memory to me. Like my childhood and your fashion sense.
G: That's what I was about to ask. Oh, THE GAP! Vettel vs. Webber.
C: Aha, yes. Team orders. It's all coming back to me now. Nope, wait a minute. That's Celine friggin Dion.
G: So, Australia was told off by UN not to attack Germany. Anything? Ze German stayed in front.
C: Sorry, enjoying this pizza.
G: Pizza comes from Italy. So do Ferraris.
C: Just listening to what you've got to say..... nom, nom, nom....
G: Alonso sits in a Ferrari. Conclusion?
C: Yeah, ze German had to win. Australia have a habit of turning up late anyway.
G: He didn't win, you Pizza, the Hut.
C: Wasn't that the night Vettel was appearing on Top Gear?
G: Yes
C: I KNOW HE DIDN’T WIN!! I WAS JUST SAYING HE HAD TO WIN! SPANISH WON! I recognized the national anthem of Catalunya. No wall of klunge either.
G: And the eyebrows.
C: What was the weather like that day?
G: English.
C: Sorry, British obsession. If you can’t think of anything esle to talk about to your foreign friends, mention the weather.
G: Why so? You have the same weather all year.
C: With Germany you just mention the war to shut them up.
G: At least here you can melt into the asphalt or get frozen onto it.
C: The Hungarians have no history as such to discuss, so we must talk F1.
G: 1,000 years. Sorry, 1,011.
C: What? To build the Hungaroring? You just can’t get the builders over there obviously.
G: Shall I mention McLaren again?
C: Have you seen Damon Hill's beard??
G: Yes, beard, good call. No.
C: It's like a badger parked on his chin. SERIOUSLY, MUST EAT MY PIZZA!
G: Okay, I put in some commercials in the meantime: "Get your green card to the US by just calling 1-500-GTFO” "Oh, your blouse is so white. How do you manage to do that?" "Cause I actually wash my clothes, b**ch"
C: Hello yes, the prodigal returns.
G: Ahem. So, German GP.
C: Yes, held in Germany this year for a change. The normal venue for the European GP ISN’T IT?
G: Should be, yes.
C: At the risk of sounding a complete anus, I thought the Nurburgring they would be driving round was the proper, 13-mile Nurburgring. But then it dawned on me that the programme would take too long, and become Le Mans.
G: Need no worry: you're a complete anus, I won't leave you in doubt.
C: And that the BBC would run out of funding before the race was completed
G: Haha!
C: And Sky would have to step in for the closing stages.
G: By tapping Max Mosley.
C: Poor old Max.
G: Herr Mosley.
C: Is he still being buggered by Nazi women? So what does Bernie do for fun do you think? Dwarf porn?
G: I wonder when he is coming to his sense and realise communism rules over fascism. Russian women certainly look better than German ones. Except Heidi.
C: Who was NORWEGIAN may I point out.
G: Midget porn? Does Bernie stand still in his yard, I wonder? Ah, yes.
C: TG had to do a feature on hot hatch superminis t'other week, as it’s the only genre of car that Ecclestone looks adult sized inside. And even then did you notice he was sitting atop cushions. Sorry, Germany. Nice country, unfashionable people.
G: I think his ego makes him look bigger.
C: The country that gave rise to Hasselhoff's music. Hahahahaha!
G: Who drove KITT. Blasphemy.
C: Why keep apologising for the Nazis when the bigger crime was allowing Hasslehoff to let his records enter their charts and stand atop the Berlin Wall? I would have loved to have taken a lump hammer to his kneecaps, pretend I'd missed the bricks.
G: Don't mess with the Hoff! Baywatch is a must.
C: I loved him when I was a kid, don’t get me wrong.
G: I want to get saved by an early 90s Pamela Anderson.
C: My hair is still more Michael Knight than I often care to admit. She still looks pretty hot today.
G: Do you talk to your watch when you're lonely?
C: No, it's digital. WHY??
G: Just, "KITT, I need help" or so. But back to Germany.
C: And leather jackets and moustaches and mullets.
G: And FLOCKS OF HAIR ON THE CHEST.
C: It must feel like home to you?
G: I missed the mullet part.
C: Yes, Lewis Hamilton. Cometh the hour, cometh the .....er… fastest driver.
G: GREAT NEWS, McLaren hasn’t messed up a pit stop. I bet that's shocking news.
C: I know, strange phenomena. Perhaps Nigel was employed for the day. He's a stickler for discipline. His moustache was facial engineering precision if ever. He'd ensure wheel nuts were tightly locked.
G: I think he needs a helmet only to reduce drag. His face hair is a natural bumping zone.
C: Remind me again, what happened at the Nurburburburburburburburbring. The way I saw it was a collection of cars went around a circuit, one after another, a bit like NASCAR?
G: I heard once a league of ants were lost in his moustache in a quest for a loaf of 1976 bread
C: Until Jenson lost his nerve. No, hydraulics. Still, his front left wheel stayed on throughout the ordeal. THAT'S professionalism in the workplace.
G: Yes, the difference was that people turned right, too.
C: People live in my hair, but that's another story. Which reminds me....... I need to wash it. Jenson love, do me a favour, pass me the bottle yeah yeah?
G: Are you two taking a shower together?
C: No. I just wash and go slow.
G: Vettel vs. Massa in the pits.
C: Quite an uphill section on the Nurburgring isn't it I noticed? Schumacher struggled. A man of his age with gradients, you know what it's like.
G: I actually don't.
C: Vettel and Massa pit showdown, yes. I must have missed that. Vettel came out on top, though, didn’t he? I just know that before I asked. TEAM ORDERS!
G: Epic title: battle in the pits.
C: Filippe. Let ze German out of ze pits first. He is going to win this race. No? And ze Australian. He will always be second at best.
G: Or "Felipe, check if Vettel has a spring loose on his car"
C: AND TODAY'S RUNNER UP IS A YOUNG MAN FROM AUSTRALIA CALLED MARK WEBBER..... Let’s have a round of applause for his SECOND PLACE finish!
G: My wife likes him, actually.
C: A lot of women do. My mum being one.
G: Good to know, Australia is far away.
C: She thinks he's lovely. And manly. And a loser.
G: FFFFUUUUUUU, he's here in Hungary!!!
C: Lock up your wives, daughters and mums people of Hungary!! Webber is in town and he's after second place.
G: There's a man on the loose.
C: I bet he's second to order food in a group at a restaurant.
G: He's fast. His pipe's glowing hot.
C: And picked SECOND for football amongst his mates. Wait a second everyone, here comes MARK.
G: Imagine: what if he started an F1 race on his own?
C: He'd blow the lead. He'd lap himself and still come last.
G: Or he would be passed by himself.
C: Or Second as it's known.
G: Which would make him come in first, but he would be penalized for sure.
C: For being first. Punishment would be finishing second. The podium would only have one place, and he'd have to stand by the side of it. Just off camera. Whilst the national anthem of nowhere rang out.
G: Or it would be: "1+1", "2", 3-1"
C: Don’t confuse me with math. I know second when I smell it.
G: I'm sure papa Webber mixed up the placenta with Mark when he was born. He didn't know which came first.
C: Is this a wrap on the GP double header? They won’t need massively editing today given we've rung them both out. Apparently Webber's watch only has a second hand.
G: So now let's race, who's going to say "goodbye" second. Second hand Rolex.
C: I can go on. But it may not be F1-based.
G: I'm sure it's punctual to the second.
C: I can talk about girls, pizza, Nascar...Nooooooooooo!!!! So when you're watching NASCAR, do you feel the sudden urge to slap women about?
G: No, I feel the urge of sleeping.
C: Or punch holes in things?
G: NASCAR engines are much better to sleep by.
C: Do you worship at the shrine of St. Thomas of Cruise?? Do you sleep in authentic NASCAR overalls?? And a NASCAR-shaped bed?
G: No, I shave "3" in my back hair.
C: Do you have NASCAR curtains?
G: Curtains? In Texas we ain't gonna put curtains on the window if it can be fixed by Duct Tape
C: I'm hoping that SKY blow their entire sports broadcasting budget on NASCAR, so the Beeb can reclaim F1.
G: Hamilton drove a NASCAR car.
C: Maybe they can do an alternative F1 from the streets of Manchester. the inaugural Salford GP. I know. He seemed to enjoy it, too. He was doing doughnuts and the like. Well, before the FAT AMERICANS WATCHING ATE THEM ALL.
G: There's no better tang in da world than a veee-ait and buuurning rubber on da track. Ain't it right, fella?
C: No. I'm F1 till I die...... arghh....
G: Colonist twat.
C: Help........ my chest......
G: in hell, you'll be punished by watching Valencia GP for eternity.
C: Get off it Flavio...you're too big!
G: ROFL
C: Max, you're not my type. Leave me be....arghh. Er, rewind. Did you just call me a twat??? You're esteemed writing partner.
G: No, I called you a colonist.
C: That's ok, cock. That pizza's repeating on me. Second time round. Nice. Here's to you Mark! Second is the new first anyway, you know.
G: Do you celebrate 4th of July, I wonder? After watching NASCAR races, you should, I guess.
C: Yes, by burning any Americans nearby.
G: Blame Canada, blame Canada.
C: I could if I could speak French.
G: Ca suffit.
C: So have we covered the key points of both British and GERANIUM GPS??? I think we've kept pretty much on topic for once.
G: Yes, no problem.
C: Can I go and look at pictures of girls on the internet now? And prepare for Hungary. Not that I'll be staring at girls in Hungary... Only cars. Proper cars. None of that NASCAR shite.
G: Alright, how about you doing some editing now? [didn’t]
