Formula One British and German Grands Prix, 2011

G: As a British citizen, how would you comment on McLaren and Button at the British GP. Can't get any more English than that.
C: Shit -are you recording??
G: Muhhahaaaw....
C: As an ‘Engerlish' I would say I was devastated at what happened. Positively beside myself. I washed my hair at least twice with my special anti-dandruff shampoo in protest "I'm going to wash that result right outta my hair!" Sung in a South Pacific styly.
G: Why? There was no tyre-smoke getting into it... EXACTLY!
C: What the dibbins were McLarens' mechs playing at? Clearly F1 Top Trumps in the back room instead of concentrating their efforts on replacing the wheel locking nuts.
G: You know that game with babies where you have to fit the right shaped object to the right hole. That was the one. He F-ed up.
C: YOU PUT BABIES IN HOLES IN HUNGARY???? I thought you were a civilised people??
G: No, babies put objects into holes; which precedes adults putting objects into holes.
C: Ewww. that's sick. Can we return to F1 please I feel a bit ill...
Jelly Babies will never taste the same again. If Bernie Ecclestone was immortilised as a Jelly Baby, which part of him would you chomp first?
G: ...Or any song. "Oh, my baaaaby, my sweet babyyyy" Is there any part that would be edible? Not the brain, I guess
C: I'd like to bite Eddie Jordan's head clean off, whether he was constructed from jellied shit or not.
G: I'm glad I don't have to watch him. GREAT NEWS!
C: I guess you've heard all about the BBC selling out their F1 coverage to Murdoch??
G. Yes. So F1 drivers are not allowed to tweet.
C: I wonder how The Gorillaz will present the new look F1 coverage in 2012?
G. Will their lavatory doors be hacked to get info? The Gorillaz? Why not the Powerpuff Girls for that matter?
C: Sorry, just nibbling on a Sky-endorsed pizza there, what did you say?.....
G: I said I dumped into your pizza.
C. Of course the one benefit of watching F1 on Sky is that they have more screen-friendly faces than the Beeb if you catch my blatant sexist drift.
G: ...but you'll have commercials, too, right?
C: Yes. But it's not like they'll cut into the action is it?
G: When you watch NASCAR, all crashes happen during a commercial break, so half of the race consist of recaps.
C: Once the first corner is out of the way, we can pretty much watch an hour or so of female hygiene adverts and not miss any of the action. NASCAR? Have you got a dual passport you neglected to mention?
G: Why not life insurance? would be more fun. There's a thing called Internet, you see.
C: Is your middle name 'butch' or something??. Jeez man, NASCAR...
G: No, it's "Devlin".
C: Do you watch it whilst nursing a bottle of lager. Do you have a Michelobon at the same time???
G: Listen: you CAN usually watch a NASCAR race AND having beer.
C: Here we go....NASCAR this, NASCAR that.... Mmmmm...pizza..... the sweet smell of pizza.......
G: You can't watch an F1 race without having a laptop open to find out WTF is happening on the track.
C: We now go to a commercial break folks whilst Gabor bores us to death explaining the appeal of NASCAR to the uninitiated/dead.
G: Okay, tell me about the McLaren pit boys again during that time AND Schumacher.
C: But it's essentially a line of cars going round and round a track, while being cheered on by a bunch of serial killers who bury their parents under their verandas? NASCAR. DO ME A FAVOUR. I'd sooner watch BTCC.
G: I have to ask Max Mosley about politically correct statements in motorsports.
C: Didn't Schueey lose his nose again at Silverstone??
G: Yes and he was punished for that.
C: He's following the Daniella Westbrook school of thought it appears.
G: It was a mistake to put Nigel in charge of race control. Can he see anything at all of his eyebrows?
C: He's had his nose rebuilt more times than Tara Palmer Tompkinson.
G: I wanted to say Michael Jackson.
C: That would have been in bad taste.
G: I think he really did lose his nose several times.
C: Next you'll be suggesting that Alonso was higher than Amy Winehouse who incidentally won the English GP, didn’t he?
G: No, but he could challenge Nigel Mansell to an eyebrow-off game.
C: You're not kidding. They could carpet an entire room between them with their eyebrows. Alonso must shave his forehead to stop his eyebrows morphing into his fringe.
G: And Hamilton... wait for it: didn't bump anyone. How does he do that? I guess there's no answer for that.
C: He didn't you're right. He's been told off for his crash for cash exploits, hasn’t he? McLaren have had a shedload of insurance claims arriving on their doormat recently.
G: He's been denied hooning, now crashes. Next time he'll be ordered to go fast. What is F1 coming to?
C: The young man in the long silver car came from nowhere and ran right into the back of me
G: Only problem, there's no such category in F1 as "woman driver".
C: The road was clear one minute, then he was in the cockpit with me. I can read the claim statements now.
G: "I didn't see the sign saying 'one way street'"!!!
C: Schumacher seems to have taken Hamilton's baton in the nudging stakes.
G: He's exactly like the "nudge-nudge" bloke from Monty Python. Irritating and out of place.
C: What else happened at Silverstone, it's a distant memory to me. Like my childhood and your fashion sense.
G: That's what I was about to ask. Oh, THE GAP! Vettel vs. Webber.
C: Aha, yes. Team orders. It's all coming back to me now. Nope, wait a minute. That's Celine friggin Dion.
G: So, Australia was told off by UN not to attack Germany. Anything? Ze German stayed in front.
C: Sorry, enjoying this pizza.
G: Pizza comes from Italy. So do Ferraris.
C: Just listening to what you've got to say..... nom, nom, nom....
G: Alonso sits in a Ferrari. Conclusion?
C: Yeah, ze German had to win. Australia have a habit of turning up late anyway.
G: He didn't win, you Pizza, the Hut.
C: Wasn't that the night Vettel was appearing on Top Gear?
G: Yes
C: I KNOW HE DIDN’T WIN!! I WAS JUST SAYING HE HAD TO WIN! SPANISH WON! I recognized the national anthem of Catalunya. No wall of klunge either.
G: And the eyebrows.
C: What was the weather like that day?
G: English.
C: Sorry, British obsession. If you can’t think of anything esle to talk about to your foreign friends, mention the weather.
G: Why so? You have the same weather all year.
C: With Germany you just mention the war to shut them up.
G: At least here you can melt into the asphalt or get frozen onto it.
C: The Hungarians have no history as such to discuss, so we must talk F1.
G: 1,000 years. Sorry, 1,011.
C: What? To build the Hungaroring? You just can’t get the builders over there obviously.
G: Shall I mention McLaren again?
C: Have you seen Damon Hill's beard??
G: Yes, beard, good call. No.
C: It's like a badger parked on his chin. SERIOUSLY, MUST EAT MY PIZZA!
G: Okay, I put in some commercials in the meantime: "Get your green card to the US by just calling 1-500-GTFO” "Oh, your blouse is so white. How do you manage to do that?" "Cause I actually wash my clothes, b**ch"
C: Hello yes, the prodigal returns.
G: Ahem. So, German GP.
C: Yes, held in Germany this year for a change. The normal venue for the European GP ISN’T IT?
G: Should be, yes.
C: At the risk of sounding a complete anus, I thought the Nurburgring they would be driving round was the proper, 13-mile Nurburgring. But then it dawned on me that the programme would take too long, and become Le Mans.
G: Need no worry: you're a complete anus, I won't leave you in doubt.
C: And that the BBC would run out of funding before the race was completed
G: Haha!
C: And Sky would have to step in for the closing stages.
G: By tapping Max Mosley.
C: Poor old Max.
G: Herr Mosley.
C: Is he still being buggered by Nazi women? So what does Bernie do for fun do you think? Dwarf porn?
G: I wonder when he is coming to his sense and realise communism rules over fascism. Russian women certainly look better than German ones. Except Heidi.
C: Who was NORWEGIAN may I point out.
G: Midget porn? Does Bernie stand still in his yard, I wonder? Ah, yes.
C: TG had to do a feature on hot hatch superminis t'other week, as it’s the only genre of car that Ecclestone looks adult sized inside. And even then did you notice he was sitting atop cushions. Sorry, Germany. Nice country, unfashionable people.
G: I think his ego makes him look bigger.
C: The country that gave rise to Hasselhoff's music. Hahahahaha!
G: Who drove KITT. Blasphemy.
C: Why keep apologising for the Nazis when the bigger crime was allowing Hasslehoff to let his records enter their charts and stand atop the Berlin Wall? I would have loved to have taken a lump hammer to his kneecaps, pretend I'd missed the bricks.
G: Don't mess with the Hoff! Baywatch is a must.
C: I loved him when I was a kid, don’t get me wrong.
G: I want to get saved by an early 90s Pamela Anderson.
C: My hair is still more Michael Knight than I often care to admit. She still looks pretty hot today.
G: Do you talk to your watch when you're lonely?
C: No, it's digital. WHY??
G: Just, "KITT, I need help" or so. But back to Germany.
C: And leather jackets and moustaches and mullets.
G: And FLOCKS OF HAIR ON THE CHEST.
C: It must feel like home to you?
G: I missed the mullet part.
C: Yes, Lewis Hamilton. Cometh the hour, cometh the .....er… fastest driver.
G: GREAT NEWS, McLaren hasn’t messed up a pit stop. I bet that's shocking news.
C: I know, strange phenomena. Perhaps Nigel was employed for the day. He's a stickler for discipline. His moustache was facial engineering precision if ever. He'd ensure wheel nuts were tightly locked.
G: I think he needs a helmet only to reduce drag. His face hair is a natural bumping zone.
C: Remind me again, what happened at the Nurburburburburburburburbring. The way I saw it was a collection of cars went around a circuit, one after another, a bit like NASCAR?
G: I heard once a league of ants were lost in his moustache in a quest for a loaf of 1976 bread
C: Until Jenson lost his nerve. No, hydraulics. Still, his front left wheel stayed on throughout the ordeal. THAT'S professionalism in the workplace.
G: Yes, the difference was that people turned right, too.
C: People live in my hair, but that's another story. Which reminds me....... I need to wash it. Jenson love, do me a favour, pass me the bottle yeah yeah?
G: Are you two taking a shower together?
C: No. I just wash and go slow.
G: Vettel vs. Massa in the pits.
C: Quite an uphill section on the Nurburgring isn't it I noticed? Schumacher struggled. A man of his age with gradients, you know what it's like.
G: I actually don't.
C: Vettel and Massa pit showdown, yes. I must have missed that. Vettel came out on top, though, didn’t he? I just know that before I asked. TEAM ORDERS!
G: Epic title: battle in the pits.
C: Filippe. Let ze German out of ze pits first. He is going to win this race. No? And ze Australian. He will always be second at best.
G: Or "Felipe, check if Vettel has a spring loose on his car"
C: AND TODAY'S RUNNER UP IS A YOUNG MAN FROM AUSTRALIA CALLED MARK WEBBER..... Let’s have a round of applause for his SECOND PLACE finish!
G: My wife likes him, actually.
C: A lot of women do. My mum being one.
G: Good to know, Australia is far away.
C: She thinks he's lovely. And manly. And a loser.
G: FFFFUUUUUUU, he's here in Hungary!!!
C: Lock up your wives, daughters and mums people of Hungary!! Webber is in town and he's after second place.
G: There's a man on the loose.
C: I bet he's second to order food in a group at a restaurant.
G: He's fast. His pipe's glowing hot.
C: And picked SECOND for football amongst his mates. Wait a second everyone, here comes MARK.
G: Imagine: what if he started an F1 race on his own?
C: He'd blow the lead. He'd lap himself and still come last.
G: Or he would be passed by himself.
C: Or Second as it's known.
G: Which would make him come in first, but he would be penalized for sure.
C: For being first. Punishment would be finishing second. The podium would only have one place, and he'd have to stand by the side of it. Just off camera. Whilst the national anthem of nowhere rang out.
G: Or it would be: "1+1", "2", 3-1"
C: Don’t confuse me with math. I know second when I smell it.
G: I'm sure papa Webber mixed up the placenta with Mark when he was born. He didn't know which came first.
C: Is this a wrap on the GP double header? They won’t need massively editing today given we've rung them both out. Apparently Webber's watch only has a second hand.
G: So now let's race, who's going to say "goodbye" second. Second hand Rolex.
C: I can go on. But it may not be F1-based.
G: I'm sure it's punctual to the second.
C: I can talk about girls, pizza, Nascar...Nooooooooooo!!!! So when you're watching NASCAR, do you feel the sudden urge to slap women about?
G: No, I feel the urge of sleeping.
C: Or punch holes in things?
G: NASCAR engines are much better to sleep by.
C: Do you worship at the shrine of St. Thomas of Cruise?? Do you sleep in authentic NASCAR overalls?? And a NASCAR-shaped bed?
G: No, I shave "3" in my back hair.
C: Do you have NASCAR curtains?
G: Curtains? In Texas we ain't gonna put curtains on the window if it can be fixed by Duct Tape
C: I'm hoping that SKY blow their entire sports broadcasting budget on NASCAR, so the Beeb can reclaim F1.
G: Hamilton drove a NASCAR car.
C: Maybe they can do an alternative F1 from the streets of Manchester. the inaugural Salford GP. I know. He seemed to enjoy it, too. He was doing doughnuts and the like. Well, before the FAT AMERICANS WATCHING ATE THEM ALL.
G: There's no better tang in da world than a veee-ait and buuurning rubber on da track. Ain't it right, fella?
C: No. I'm F1 till I die...... arghh....
G: Colonist twat.
C: Help........ my chest......
G: in hell, you'll be punished by watching Valencia GP for eternity.
C: Get off it Flavio...you're too big!
G: ROFL
C: Max, you're not my type. Leave me be....arghh. Er, rewind. Did you just call me a twat??? You're esteemed writing partner.
G: No, I called you a colonist.
C: That's ok, cock. That pizza's repeating on me. Second time round. Nice. Here's to you Mark! Second is the new first anyway, you know.
G: Do you celebrate 4th of July, I wonder? After watching NASCAR races, you should, I guess.
C: Yes, by burning any Americans nearby.
G: Blame Canada, blame Canada.
C: I could if I could speak French.
G: Ca suffit.
C: So have we covered the key points of both British and GERANIUM GPS??? I think we've kept pretty much on topic for once.
G: Yes, no problem.
C: Can I go and look at pictures of girls on the internet now? And prepare for Hungary. Not that I'll be staring at girls in Hungary... Only cars. Proper cars. None of that NASCAR shite.
G: Alright, how about you doing some editing now? [didn’t]
 

Rant on #topgear - 3rd edition

C: We're a double act now. Like Laurel and Hardy
G: ...or like Hardy and Laurel
C: Indeedy
G: So. Top Gear. Can you transcribe the main tune?
C: No. I'm tone deaf. Can you?
G: I think it is tarattaaaaatattarattatattarataaaaa, tararaaaarararaaraaraararaaaaaa!
C: It's a bit tiny anyroad. That's as in tin. NOT TINY. Although as intros goes, it's not the longest, is it? Brilliant. You've clearly missed your calling in life there.

G: Beethoven did it best with the 5th Symphony.
C: Was that the one he wrote for the film? The one with the mahhooosive dog in it? You know?
G: Yes, I think he scored that tune. Wonder if he got any royalty for that.
C: We could of course talk dog and musical scores all night, however there's the tiny, sorry, small matter of dissecting TG. And of course, TG had a dog a couple of series' ago didn’t they?
G: What dog? In the Toyota iQ? The Skoda Yeti? Or the Lambo Gallardo? TG? Not TJ? The Hooker.
C: Don't start me on the whole hooker thing again. Next you'll be banging on about caravans or something equally inappropriate. No. TG. The Top Gear hound.
G: I can't remember that.
C: They took him on a caravan holiday if my memory serves me correct.
G: Wasn't it just Clarkson making a really sad face?
C: No, that was Hammond doing his best Pug impression. Surely you remember the Top Gear dog? And you call yourself a motoring buff?
G: I remember the caravan story, don't remember the dog, though.

C: So. The McLaren. The new one.
G: Yes, named after not a fax machine but an actual F1 car.
C: There are of course less lenghthy place names in Wales. Even the Mitsubishi Lancer Evo FQ-GHTYE646460KHIHKDFKDKDD is shorter.
G: Ah yes. Llangkhafgkhakhrkhtrkhakkaaaadkfhkdah
C: Or edited, as you'd like it.
G: Why not just call it the "Killer"? Or something killer?
C: I guess the McLaren has a little more boot space to fit on all those letters and numbers though. Compared to the Mitsu.
G: Must have, there's one seat less in the car than the previous one.
C: Did you like it?
G: The name? If you're an F1 fan, you know what it means, for the rest of the people it's just a game of Scrabble.
C: No. The name. Of course the car. WE'RE A TOPICAL MOTORING THREAD/BLOG. It was a bit too orange for my tastes. It seems supercars only come in Lurid Orange or Pimps’ White these days.
G: Orange is the base color of McLaren, you anti-F1 fan.
C: I knew that. I chose to overlook it to appeal to our broader church. And did you see Clarkson attempting to disengage the traction control? More complicated than programming your average DVD recorder these days.

G: Tiff and Jason did it.
C: Don’t blaspheme in my company. Tiff and Jason. PRETENDERS TO THE THRONE IF EVER. I would like to land an axe in Needell's mouth. Just for a laugh and to kill that voice of his.
 And Plato? Do me a favour? Anorak.
G: Tiff sounds like the Nintendo kid every time he gets near a car that was designed by 10-year olds.
C: Tiff. I mean who the hell is called Tiff? Apart from an Essex born tartlet. Or a pervy uncle trying to sound ‘down with the kids’. What's it short for? Apart from total tosspot?
G: If you keep repeating his name, it's like a steam train leaving the station.
C: So the McOrange went around Dunsfold in the second fastest time ever. YAWN. It isn't a pretty sight now is it?
G: ...and the team celebrated the time by a cake of digits. How original. Why not building a fort of oranges and then organise a battle-revival?
C: Don't get me wrong. I follow McLaren in terms of F1. Because our brave British boys drive for them. But their production cars just don't cut it for me.
G: The first one was awesome I think.
C: The McLaren F1? With the one seat in the middle?
G: The MP14HK34KJHEKFJHGK4KJH34KJ5H looks like a leftover design of it.

C: Give me a Porsche Panamera any day.
G: No way.
C: I didn't actually want to say the Panamera did I?  The Porsche supercar. That Lewis Hamilton's dad aimed into a hedge. You know. The Porsche...
G: You wanted to say a 3-digit number.
C: Name, not a number. No one’s a prisoner here.
G: Might have been a Panamera.
C: No. Long german thing. Not Schumacher.....Carrera GT! That’s the kiddie!
G: Wasn't one owned by Jenson's dad that he forgot about? I wish I could forget about my Porsche one day.
C: I don't know. Cars aren’t my strong suite to be honest. Not sure what I'm doing here. Can we talk about women? Or music instead?
G: Yes, you're deaf. News!!
C: And most important of all... The Cholmondeley Pageant of Power. I went there once. And last year they held part of it along the docks in Liverpool.

G: Southern Tweeters tried to look it up as Chumley. Broke my heart.
C: That doesn’t surprise me.
G: Even I know what that is
C: Southerners sometimes find it difficult to breathe in and out and Google at the same time. HEAR THAT SOUND? THAT’S THE SOUND of us losing our Cockney followers. Nevermind eh. Cholmondley is in my neck of the woods. Great day out for all the family.
G: Smells like 'Escape to Isle of Man' to me.
C: I sound like an advert for the National Trust, don’t I?
G: No. You sound like our former prime minister.
C: Do I? Blair? HOW VERY DARE YOU?
G: No, the former Hungarian who almost caused a revolution.
C: I'd rather be mistaken for our current PM, Hugh Grant if I'm honest.
G: That prime minister I told you about did a remake of Hugh's dancing himself. He thought it was funny.

C: Bit off topic there Gabor. Anyroad, that new BMW M5 looks the part doesn’t it? Did you see how you could get Twitter and Facebook on the M5's instruction panel? What's the world coming to? Can't some people live without social networking? Excluding us of course.
G: Yes, how can you live in an M5 and not follow #motorspurts?
C: I know what you're talking about. I'm just trying to keep it ABOUT THE CARS!!!! You know. "Brrrmmmm, brrrrm". Yup, over to you in the sound effects department.
G: I'm waiting for the next gen. of BMWs.
C: Are you? Which will look exactly the same as the current generation?
G: When they finally get completely rid off the last remains of Bangle-design.
C: You not a fan of Christopher then? Christophers are usually good people in my book. Creative too. AND VERY HANDSOME.
G: I could build a nicer back end of LEGO bricks.
C: Just an observation. I loved his original 5 Series design. Brave and bold. Proper departure from a car that had lost its way.
G: So you're saying, you did the BMW before. That's why you don't have a job I suspect...
C: Sssssh. I have meaningful vocation. What else would you call #motorspurts?
G: Dennis? George? Kendra?
C: I like the idea of Jeremy's bird poo challenge. Not scraping the barrel at all.
G: That's a sh*t challenge.
C: BLIMEY. That's a bit strong, isn’t it?
G: Did he say a metre of feces?
C: Don’t you ever reach for your tape measure and see just how long that streak is? I thought a terradactyl was the culprit if I’m honest. Do you know what I'd do if a bird shat on my car?
G: Measure it.
C: No. Dump her of course. Sorry. An old English joke. Never funny. That's why I do what I do and you do what you do. Only not as good.
G: Is ‘birdy’ a cute term for girlfriends in the UK?
C: No. That's golfing parlance. A 'bird' is a ‘fitty’. Or ‘hottie’. Or ‘strumpet’. Or ‘bint’.

G: I can tell the Bruce Lee joke again
C: If you must. Does it have any motoring relevance? DOES ANY OF THIS HAVE ANY MOTORING RELEVANCE I ASK MYSELF?
G: How does Bruce Lee cool down a hot engine? With WHATTAAAAA!!
C: I see what you've done there. You rejigged it. Clever. You have to make your own fun over in Hungary don't you? Has the Rubik’s Cube arrived yet?
G: We invented the H-bomb, and the computer, so sod off. Right... Evoque.
C: Don't start me on the Evoque. Interior by Posh Spice. Do me a favour.
G: Was that her? I know only salt and pepper.
C: Yes. The real Victoria Beckham. Just before giving birth to Harper 7. I know this is probably true.
G: I wonder if one of the kids will fall for Plastic Man
C: Death Valley is a suburb of Birmingham you know?

G: I thought it was Mexico. NOOOO, MEXICO JOKE!! BADBADBAD!!
C: Yes. Don't mention Mexico. Although no one will be reading this.
G: Because they're all sleeping. NOOOOOOOOOOO.
C: They will be asleep. Technically. Because it is the middle of the night there. AWARD FOR MOST SURREAL TG MOMENT GOES TO J MAY. For singing along to Cher. ‘Cher’ Cher that is. Not Cher Lloyd. I don’t think he'd know who she was. Do you? Depends if you have any gypsy blood in you I guess?
G: And you, talking about Cher Lloyd. Is that any better?
C: She's cool. Unlike the 5-door Evoque. The 3-door is pretty sexy, mind. And what about the on-board cameras? Typical that a woman suggested that feature isn’t it? "Ohh, does my rear look big in this camera?"
G: She can't take a look though...

C: Why? David would be driving.
G: ...by the time she gets back to the seat she would notice that her big rear end has gone. David?
C: As in BECKHAM. One of my former work colleagues works on the lines at Halewood putting the Evoque together.
G: I'm putting LEGO together. They make more profit. See?
C: ALTHOUGH MY EX WORK COLLEAGUE WENT BY THE NAME OF DAVID TOO, STRANGELY. SUPERB CINEMATOGRAPHY ON TG AGAIN. In the desert.  Euurgh. Gaudy Las Vegas though. I’d love to scud that place. Preferably whilst Tom Jones is performing.
G: Yes, and James May was posing like he was one of the members of 'Body Count'
C: What's ‘Body Count’? I fear you're veering off topic again.
G: A metal band Ice-T was leading.
C: THIS IS A CAR SHOW. REMEMBER OUR CONTRACTUAL OBLIGATIONS!!
G: Yes, sorry, back to Cher Lloyd.
C: Alluring. In a car crash type of way. She's definitely no stranger to caravan living or having a dog tied up outside said abode.

G: Brrrr. Vettel.
C: Must we?
G: YES. The German. Or just replace his name with Cher. So, Cher. She's a nice guy, I guess.
C: Talked a bit, laughed a bit, told us nothing, acted out some well scripted 'funny' lines, then drove the Liana relatively fast. 1.40 dead. Actually he's OK. For a German. End. Vettel done. Back to your window, son.
G: What about Schumacher?
C: German. Pass. Did you notice how everyone on Twitter during TG on Sunday were saying how pleasantly surprised with the way SeBASTARD came across?
G: What did they expect in the first place?
C: The very same people who hate him when he's up against OUR BRAVE BRITISH BOYS.
Double standards. With me, it's straight down the line. You know what to expect and exactly. And obviously a bit of xenophobia is thrown in for good measure.
G: Fear of Germany taking over BBC2?
C: I wanted Mark Webber to walk across the studio and past him. Just to get to the canteen before him.
G: They did that in a commercial with Alonso and Hamilton. And guess what: Hakkinen won the sauna round.

C: I thought that would have gone to Mansell on points. An ex girlfriend of mine's dad shared a sauna with Nigel Mansell once in the Isle of Man. My tenuous claim to fame by association. He was impressed by his 'tache coverage.
G: So how does moustache or eyebrows react with such humidity?
C: Humidity or humility?
G: Both.
C: Neither in Mansell's case. Ooops. I'm confusing him with Martin Brundle. Does that man bore for Britain or what?
G: So, whenever there's a high level of humidity or sh*tty driving on a track, Nigell doesn't react.
C: Did you see him on the F1 show? Jeez.
G: Oh, the alarm again, shut up!!
C: Where's this alarm? In your head?
G: No, down in the street.
C: Or is it the nurse coming through with your final tablets of the day? Lights off on the ward soon?
G: Shouldn't Hamilton get an alarm so everyone would be pretty sure he was coming?
C: You're not kidding. He should wear bells around his neck.
G: Sheesh. BMW and Merc.

C: So, finally, second hand cars for £7 grand cobbled together TG feature time. Still, an eye opener though... Honda S2000, Mazda RX8, Scooby WRX, BMW Z4, Porsche Boxster, etc.
G: When they realised they have run out of new cars, they turned to the mystic world of Autotrader
C: I have just applied to Autotrader for a job. Don't mention it on here though, or it'll narrow down my chances.
G: Yes, and why weren't you accepted?
C: Personally, I'd go for the Nissan Pixar any time. *Nissan Pixel *Nissan whatever
G: *Nissan Piss Off
C: I was amused by the 'Let’s pretend we're manly whilst sitting side by side in this convertible. And spit. Or talk football'. Cliché CITY. Mercedes CL500 WANKERY versus BMW 850. Go Beemer! Nice chat on mobile phones. With cords. Wires, not trousers from C & A. What looks better? 850 anyday...
G: They weren't afraid in the Stratos, although it involved man-touching.
C: Allowable in the Stratos. WHAT A MACHINE! Can you get one of those for the price of a Nissan Knob?
G: Personally, I prefer the Merc.
C: Really?
G: Not for the luxury stuff. But an E-class Merc can do it any time - with a V12.
C: Funny. Looking at your profile picture you strike me as under 30, too. I also wasn’t aware you played golf.
G: So you're in midlife crisis now, that 's why you fall for the fast-looking Beemer.
C: Always been a fan of the 850.
G: Me, the 750.
C: I particularly love it in the T5 form. With a capacious rear space.

G: Terminator 5? Or Transformers 5? A BMW transformer: Have to be called Michael Bay.
C: What about the regurgitated grot test on cars. Bit passe. Excess body fluids and all that.
G: Can't remember a bird sh*tting on the cars.
C: All in all I don't think it held a candle to the previous week's TG. Which was one of the best for a long time as we concurred.
G: Yes. The Monaco bit, especially.
C: So to summarise...
G: Clarkson can measure feces.
C: May can hold a Cher tune.
G: Is that why TG magazine is looking for a Creative Leader?
C: Apparently so. Are you putting yourself forward for the gig?
G: Of course. Centerfold car with body panels off.
C: ...and Vettel isn’t quite the massive cock everyone thought he would be. Hammond went missing in action, mind. Did he phone in sick? Or did his mum write a letter saying he must be excused this week on grounds of his chesty cough.
G: Can't May or Hammond just lead the show from time to time?
C: NO!!! TG isn't TG without Clarkson. And that dog. TG. His name is synominous with Top Gear. And Piers Morgan-baiting.
G: Yes, but does he have to say HELLOOOOO, GOOD EVENING every time? And his face is a Morgan, too.
C: AND ON THAT BOMBSHELL... Some say this was not our finest #motorspurts hour, whilst some say we can get better. All we know is that that was #motorspurts TG for this week.
G: The Stig has to pop in eventually. Oh, those laughs we could have...
C: Are we building this up the a dramatic end? Should we wrap it up with a spot of controversy?
G: Yes.
C: ...let me see then... Is there anyone else left for me to offend? That Cher Lloyd. Bit of a gypsy, isn't she?

G: Margaret Thatcher?
C: How very dare you. I'm Hugh Grant, remember? Blue blood.
G: Is that like reformed Coke?
C: Mentioning coke in this here piece, NOW THAT’S CONTROVERSY FOR YOU. You best hurry this up, I’m getting tired now. And when this happens I usually tell people that I love them.
G: Is 'Bye'  a proper ending?
C: No. But ‘Good night’ is
G: Okay, GET LOST, EVERYONE!
C: That's good night from him, and good night from me until next time on #motorspurts, when we will be tackling the subject of the role cars play in prostitution.
G: No, not a BMW X6 again.